on January Third.
I’ll try to write how you would be
in just a few short words.
You’d probably be very tall
and know your ABC’s.
Your older brother, Abner,
would teach you to climb trees.
Phebe would be proud of you
and pictures she would take.
She’d capture all your silliness
and crafts that you would make.
Your little brother, Asher,
would be your constant shadow.
You’d probably try to hide from him
but he would always follow.
You have another sister,
Selah Grace is her name.
Were you there in the room
the day that she came?
Daddy and Mommy miss you
more than words can ever say.
You would still be in my arms
if I could have my way.
But for now, my precious boy,
I’ll just dream of you.
It won’t be long and I'll be there
in Heaven with you, too.
One of my favorite memories of Phebe, when she was little, is actually centered around a picture. She had a little friend her age…probably around 5 years old. Her friend was VERY white and Phebe was VERY black. The picture was of just their hands. Her friend saw the picture and asked which hand was hers and which hand was Phebe’s. I remember loving the fact that the color of skin wasn’t noticed even though this little girl knew her colors.
Growing up bi-racial in an all-white community was…well…let’s just say interesting. I was called a few colorful names. I never told anyone. Those names hurt me to the core. I think it’s funny how as I get older my skin seems to get lighter. When I was little I remember wishing I could take a bath in bleach so that I could look like the rest of my family. I would try to stay out of the sun as much as possible just so I didn’t get too dark. The problem was I loved to swim too much to not be in the sun. Now most people don’t even realize I’m part black. Shoot, my husband didn’t even know it until he heard me talking about it a few months after we were married. :-)
My son Abner is quite dark too. He has had some very rude and crude comments said to him over the years. I recall when he was about 6 he came to me and asked what a certain word meant. I asked him where he had heard it. He said his fellow teammate in T-ball had called him that. For me that was a very sad day. I try to protect my children, but sometimes it’s just impossible.
I’m sure a lot of people would think I’m too concerned with color. I don’t really care. I do everything I can to protect my children from cruelty. Today someone stopped by the house to pick something up I was giving away. I wasn’t looking my best so I was going to send Phebe to the door. I suddenly was afraid that the people wouldn’t take it because a black person was giving it to them. So at the last second I sent Abner to the door and told him to be a gentleman. Abner is a bit lighter than Phebe so I was hoping it wouldn’t be a problem. I listened from the living room to the whole conversation. To be honest I was a nervous wreck. I imagined this woman throwing the item away the first chance she got. A couple hours later I received an email from her. She wanted to thank me for the item and to praise my son for having such good manners. WOW! I decided to let her know my fears. She wrote back and said I was a silly woman. That I should be thankful I have such a wonderful son, and that I must be a very good mom to have a son like mine. She agreed that we do live in a very funny world and she understood my fear, but that for her it wasn’t a problem.
Isn’t it funny how we can let our imagination run wild? Well, maybe you don’t, but I sure can at times. We have lived in the Kalamazoo area for almost 2 years now. It just struck me today that since we’ve lived here we only have had one incident concerning color. Maybe it’s time for me to relax a bit about this issue and enjoy where we live.
I’ve wondered many times who will marry my older children. Will they be the same color? I couldn’t care less, but many people don’t feel that way. I love how Moses married a black woman, and God honored their marriage. In fact, he caused Miriam to have leprosy for making fun of his black wife. I wish I could do that sometimes. I pray that my children marry godly spouses. I don’t care what color they are. I also pray that if they are a different race that the extended family will accept them just for whom they are.
So tonight I rest my head…thrilled that we live in an area that accepts my family and go to a church that loves my family! We have quite the array of color. I’m anxious to see what our new little one will look like.
I would love it if she was as dark as her big sister. Boy, wouldn't that turn a few heads. *snicker snicker*
Tonight in church we let little Asher sit with us during the song service. He loves music more than any other child I have ever known. He always wants me to sing to him, and he LOVES to sit on his daddy’s lap and listen to him play the piano. So it only made sense to let him enjoy the song service. I've tried many times to get him to sing. The closest thing he’s done is say e-i-e-i-o. Tonight we were singing a song Steve Green used to sing called “Lamb of Glory”. Asher was sitting all relaxed on Jesse’s lap. He suddenly sat up and stared at me while I sang. Within a few seconds he started singing, “Ha-way-woo-ya….ha-way-woo-ya!” Hallelujah wasn’t even a part of the song. Well, it wasn’t one of the words in the lyrics, but for some reason Asher heard ‘Hallelujah’. I’m positive that’s what God heard as well. I couldn’t keep from crying. Did the Lord cry? I don’t know, but I do know that was the most precious sound I had heard in a very long time.
Abner mentioned on the way home that it was very distracting when Asher sang so loud. He was right…it was distracting but in a very good way. I wish the whole world would have been distracted by his innocence. I wish the whole world could be distracted by God’s unconditional love, grace, and forgiveness.
We had a little singspiration at our house tonight...
This past Sunday a man sat in front of me holding a new baby. The baby was nestled into his neck sleeping soundly. Every so often this man would tip his head down and kiss the baby’s head and linger for a moment to catch that sweet baby smell. I have to admit I was a bit jealous. There just isn’t anything like holding a new baby. Do you remember the first time you held your children? I do…and with each one it was pure love and happiness.
Each morning my alarm clock is my little 20 month old Asher. He shares a room with his older brother, but for some reason the older brother is deaf in the morning. ;-) It
doesn’t matter how tired I am…when I hear Asher start to jabber away each day it brings a smile to my face. While we were on vacation I would wake up and call for him. He would start talking “his talk,” and come running to my side of the bed. I would pull him up on my lap and he would continue to tell me…well, I’m not sure what he was telling me, but I could tell it was VERY important! When he was finished with his tale or request he would jump off the bed and go back to whatever it was he was doing before. I LOVE these moments with him. I crave these moments with him. My older kids will come and talk to me, but it doesn’t seem as often anymore, and this makes me sad.
Does He crave it? I believe the answer to all of those questions is YES!!!!!!!!! I can picture Him tilting His head down as I sleep and kissing the top of my head…lingering to catch my fragrance. I believe He sits with anxious anticipation waiting for me to wake and talk to Him. Sometimes when I talk to Him it doesn’t make a lick of sense, but I think He understands anyways.
“The Lord your God is in your midst,
A victorious warrior.
He will exalt over you with joy,
He will be quiet in His love,
He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.
Isn’t that something??? He will rejoice over me with shouts of joy! That’s how I
feel about my children. How much more must God feel that way about me. No, I’m
not perfect…not even close. Yet, He loves me, He exalts over me, and He shouts for joy. All I can do is shake my head in amazement, and talk to Him each morning. I want to always bring a smile to His face!