The Simple Woman's Daybook 9/26/11

Outside my window…it’s dark but warm. The lawn is freshly cut by my sick hubby (poor guy).

I am thinking…that it’s not fair that when I got sick the rest of the family got sick. When do I get to get babied? ;o)

I am thankful...that my hubby and I are on the mend from this silly cold.

From the kitchen...was homemade chicken noodle soup. I’m sure that’s what cured us! Well, that and the 5 million vitamin C tablets my hubby had us take.

I am wearing...an achiness in my bones as well as my spirit.

I am remembering...that I am here to bring honor and glory to Him.

I am going...to lose it if things don’t start turning around for my daughter.

I am praying…for so many hurts of sweet people that I love.

On my mind…is how much longer before my family can enjoy an abundant life. Not financially mind you, but the abundant life in John 10:10.

I am reading: A Cry for Justice: Overcome anger, reject bitterness and trust in JESUS who will fight for you. By: Shelly Hundly

I am hearing...a television show that Jesse and Abner are watching, and Asher pretending to be a truck.

Around the house...are my favorite decorations…FALL!

Noticing that….they weren’t lying when they said it was more difficult to lose weight after 40.

Pondering these words…You is good…you is kind…you is important.

One of my favorite things...is seeing Asher smile at me when he knows he’s being naughty.

A picture thought… Photo shoot with Asher :o) Phebe LOVES to take pictures!!!

Tuckered him right out!

The Simple Woman's Daybook 9-19-11

Outside my window…there is a drizzle of rain.

I am thinking…about a stop sign. I’ve decided every time my mind goes to something negative that I will think of a stop sign and then I will write out my thoughts at a later time.

I am thankful...that my father-in-law and mother-in-law raised such a wonderful son.

From the kitchen...was a salmon casserole.

I am wearing...a feeling of relief.

I am reading...The Oak Leaves by: Maureen Lang

I am remembering...what it felt like to be too hot this summer.

I am going...to enjoy my son being surprised by his grandparents coming to Grandparents Day at school.

I am praying…for a dear friend who has been deeply hurt by her husband and friend.

On my mind…is how much I have to be thankful for.

I am hearing...the whirl of the fan, and my hubby taking a shower.

Around the house...are lots of canning supplies.

Noticing that….it really doesn’t matter what other people think. It only matters what my Lord thinks.

Pondering these words…Christ will make everything right in His time.

One of my favorite things...Asher hollering at Abner from the other room.

A picture thought… My son only wanted a dog for his birthday...he got it. Boy do they love each other!!!

Book Review - Please Stop Lauging at Me...One Woman's Inspirational Story

I have to admit that I was completely shocked while reading this book. Growing up I was either in homeschool or a small private school and never experienced bullies. I began to wonder if I had ever bullied another child, but honestly I can’t think of a time…well except for my younger sister.

As I read this book I couldn’t put it down. The way this poor girl was treated is unbelievable. I wondered as I read chapter after chapter how many other children, in America, have had to endure this type of torture. What amazes me is how we are all so shocked when a kid brings a gun or knife to school. Now I wonder if many times the real reason for the weapons is for protection. The saddest thing to me is this happened to Jodee quite a few years back. How many other children have to put up with this garbage before something is done?

If we look at corporate America there really isn’t that much difference in how Jodee was treated and how our co-workers are treated. It’s all about stepping on the smaller guy to move on up the ladder. How pathetic!

My son will be going to a secular school this year, and I must admit after reading this book I have had second thoughts. The way Jodee’s parents responded is probably exactly how I would have responded. We want our children to take a stand and be leaders, but at what expense…their dignity…their life? I cannot imagine having to return to school day after day, month after month, and year after year being treated like an old tin can we kick around for fun. Actually, Jodee was treated far worse than that.

Two of my favorite quotes in the book were:

When you’re a victim of any kind of abuse, you can do one of two things. You can learn how to turn your pain into purpose and make a difference in the world, or you can allow it to extinguish the light inside you. If you permit the latter, you are sacrificing far more than your childhood to the cruel gods of popularity. Pg213

People tend to consider being vulnerable a bad thing. It’s not. Vulnerability reminds us that we’re human. It keeps us open to giving and receiving love. Without at least a little, we can become what Dave is trying so hard to be-someone living in a prison of our own making, where the walls are so thick that no one can get in or out. Pg. 248

The only thing that bothered me about the book was the language. There are quite a few four letter words that I don’t particularly care for or use.

I feel that having read this book I have a desire to be more aware of the underdog. To keep my eyes open for bullies seeking their prey. If I can somehow keep another human from hurting I will do what I can to help.

I received a copy of “Please Stop Laughing at Me…One Woman’s Inspiration Story” from Booksneeze.com

Trying to get to "happy"!

Ever have one of those days where you just can’t get to "happy"? Today was one of those days for me. It actually started out fine. We had a wonderful weekend getting things done around the house Friday and Saturday. Sunday we were able to go and visit family. Then during the night last night my pain level was quite high. I took some pain meds around 4 in the morning, and finally fell asleep around 8. Thankfully Jesse got up with the baby so I was able to get a couple hours of sleep.

The morning went smooth enough. I was able to get 4 loads of laundry out on the line and get the kitchen cleaned up, and write the first chapter of a book idea I have. Then Phebe’s sleep walking began. We just got a new disc for the recorder so I decided to record what she does. This went on for quite some time. She finally woke up and was able to go lie down and rest for a bit.

It was after all of this that I started to become angry. I just grew tired of having to unlock and lock doors ALL day long. All of my doors now require keys to use them. I HATE IT! Jesse and I are the only ones with keys so every two minutes my son Abner is asking for a key to get through a door. When I worked at the prison that was one of the things I hated the most…keys locking and unlocking EVERYTHING. Now I live my life like that. It’s not just 8 hours a day, but 24. I wanted to scream, but figured that wouldn’t go over too well with the rest of the household. I wanted to be alone, but there was no place to go. “Mom, can you?” “Babe, will you?” “Momma, may I?” “Mrs. Olson, won’t you?” I tell myself that someday I’ll miss it, but today wasn’t one of those days.

Tonight the baby was sleeping, Abner was in bed, Jesse was in the shower, and Phebe was supposed to be in bed. I’m thinking that I may actually have a couple minutes to myself. Yes, I have to finish up the dishes, clean the living room, and take care of the cookies I baked, but still…I was “alone”. Then I hear Phebe ask if we can pray together. Usually I go to her room every night and we talk about our day, and then I pray with her. However, tonight I DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT!!! I was hoping she would forget. No such luck! So I asked her if we could talk about our day while I cleaned. She smiled and said that was what she was thinking I should do.

The best part of her day was the little horse statue that Abner gave her, and the worst part of her day was the neighbor mowing his lawn all afternoon making her migraine worse. I told her the best part of my day was getting all the laundry caught up, and the worst was not being able to be alone. She asked if that’s why I was slamming everything around the kitchen. Oops! This didn’t cause me to change my ways. I then suggested that she try to pray tonight since I’m the one who usually does that part. She giggled in her little girl way and said she would try but she really didn’t know how to do it. I told her to talk to God just like she talks to me.

This was her prayer:

“God, (Mom, is that right? I nodded) God, thank you for the sunshine today. Thank you for my mom. Thank you for all three of my brothers. Thank you for my dad. Please put your protector angels around Asher as he sleeps and please help him to sleep good (giggle giggle “Mom, Asher ALWAYS sleeps good, doesn’t he? I nodded) Please put your protector angels around Abner and Mom and Dad and me…just my whole family. Thank you for my family. (Mom, how do I stop?) Oh, in Your name, Amen.”

With tears in my eyes, I told her I needed to change my favorite part of my day. She said I could. I told her it was her prayer. Her eyes got all big. “Really mom?” She smiled and skipped off to her room happy as a lark. I didn’t skip, but my attitude was so much better. I finally made it to "happy".

Simple Women's Daybook 8-1-2001

Outside my window…is chicken cooking on the grill.

I am thinking…that my children are growing too quickly.

I am thankful...that Phebe is doing better every day.

From the kitchen...is grilled chicken and zucchini, broccoli from the garden, red skinned potatoes, ruhbarb crumble, and blueberry pie.

I am wearing...a skirt I recently realized that I always wear pants. I thought I would wear a skirt for a change. I feel weird.

I am remembering...what it was like when Phebe could at least help with doing dishes.

I am going...to get groceries after the baby goes to bed.

I am praying…for someone I should have been praying for for all along.

On my mind…is how quickly time flies the older I get.

I am hearing...Abner play basketball in the driveway, and the potatoes boiling on the stove.

Around the house...are toys in nooks and crannie…placed there by little Asher boy.

Noticing that….the days are getting shorter.

Pondering these words…Love thy neighbor as thyself.

One of my favorite things...is sleeping.

A picture thought…here are some pictures Phebe took before she regressed.

Some decorations in her bedroom.

Asher and me enjoying the beautifull weather.

Flowers in our yard.

Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself

My daughter is really opening my eyes to what I believe and why. I’ve been on the verge of tears ever since last Wednesday. Phebe and I were on our way home from her counseling appointment. The topic of forgiveness and love was brought up. She wanted me to explain both words. I did my best. I tried to explain that it’s not something you do just once but that you must continue to love and forgive. Both words are actions not just words. I quoted Matthew 22:36-39 to her.

36Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

37Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

38This is the first and great commandment.

39And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

She became very quiet. After a few minutes she asked if she had to forgive the person who had hurt her for so many years. I told her she did. She asked if I had. I told her that I sure had and continue to do so. She asked if I loved him. I told her I did. I explained that I hated, with all my heart, what he had done, but that I loved him.

All of a sudden it hit me. I say that I love him, but do I love him as myself? Jesus said that I am to love my neighbor as myself. I have to admit that I don’t. I love him, but not as I love myself. Silly me had been so proud of myself for so many years that I could forgive him for what he did to my daughter and other girls, and that I loved him. I have to admit that I don’t want to love him as much as I love myself. If I could lie face down on the floor and stomp my feet and beat my fists in the ground right now I would. I don’t want to love him like that.

I think what makes me want to cry is, that I’m so afraid that because of my unwillingness to love him as I should, that is what is preventing my daughter from getting better. I couldn’t begin to tell you how many times I have quoted these verses, and told people if we just did these two things everything else would fall into place. Now here I am…needing to love someone and refusing to do it completely. I kid myself by saying, “If he would just admit what he has done and ask for forgiveness I could love him correctly.” That’s not true though. That would be a conditional love and forgiveness. All I know is that I cannot do this in my own power. This kind of love and forgiveness can only come from my Father.

I guess it is now time for me to learn to love him as Christ loves him. To forgive him as Christ has forgiven him. I’m not sure where to begin. I think I will start praying for him. That sounds like a great place to start!

A God thing

I have noticed over the past few weeks how many things I say without thinking. Such as, “dog ugly.” I usually say this whenever I see something that is, in my opinion, horrifically ugly. When Phebe came out of her regression she had some sort of amnesia. So she only remembers the last 3 weeks to the present. She’s learned a lot during that time. I often confuse her though with all my funny sayings. I had to explain what a dog was when we saw one near our home. So later when I said something was “dog ugly” she was totally baffled. Tonight she said, “Mom, whenever you say ‘sugar jets’ I know something bad has happened.” The other day my mom came for a visit and was talking to Asher, “Come here you little hunka munka.” Phebe asked what in the world is a hunka munka? We are going to have this poor girl so messed up.

I’ve been so nervous re-teaching her things of God and the Bible. I’m not really sure why this makes me nervous since I’ve been teaching this to her for the last 18 years. She takes everything so literally that at times I think I over explain things to her. One day when her migraine was really bad and I had no medications to give her, she came to me and said she had decided to go to heaven with Jesus and Uriah. I asked her how she planned on getting there, and she suddenly realized she didn’t know how. She asked how Uriah had done it.

She now has the mind of a 4 or 5 year old. She LOVES to help me with EVERYTHING!!! She has to stir, taste, lift, fold, carry, clean, and shift everything I do. Tonight in church she was mimicking everything I did. Her Bible had to be open to the same book…even though she can’t read. Her leg had to be crossed. Her hand had to be cupping her other hand. She told me that she had done everything just like me when she got ready for church. She did her hair, put on a skirt (which made her feel like “such a girl”), put on some make-up, and washed the counters down. She makes me smile.

I wasn’t smiling, however, when Jesse called this afternoon. I had gone to visit our old church and to go to an open house, and Jesse had stayed home. He went to church in the morning and was gone for about 2 hours. Phebe has been home alone for longer periods than that so we weren’t too nervous. We have had issues with her sleep walking lately. She has woken up in the middle of the night in the back yard, and the pitch dark basement. She will also do this during the day. Last week she walked out into the living room with her eye mask on. No matter how loud I yelled she couldn’t hear me. When I grabbed her hand she finally was startled awake. Thursday I looked out in the back yard and she was walking around with her eye mask on holding her stuffed bunny. I watched her to see how long this would last and to see what would eventually wake her up. Her arm bumped the post of the clothesline and she about jumped out of her skin. So today Jesse came in the house to discover she wasn’t there. The front door has 3 locks on it plus a thick rug that prevents you from opening the door. She got it open far enough to squeeze through. He looked and looked for her, and ended up calling the police. He checked with neighbors but no one had seen her. To make a long story short a neighbor had seen her a couple miles from the house and drove back to see if we were missing her. Man do I love them for that!

Jesse took me to the spot he had found her…nearly 3 miles from our house. I asked her tonight what had woken her up. She said someone had honked their horn at her. She woke up and looked down at the yellow painted line. She was walking down the middle of the road. I shake my head and wonder how many people drove past her and never bothered to check to see if she was ok. Yes, she is 18, but the girl was wearing pajamas, carrying a stuffed animal, wearing earplugs, and WALKING DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD…barefoot. When she had told me she was in the middle of the road I just stood there with my mouth open. Every night she asks me to pray that she won’t sleepwalk. I pray for that along with IF she does sleepwalk that God will protect her. She said, “Mom, He answered our prayer. I didn’t sleepwalk for 2 nights AND when I did He protected me. That’s a God thing, huh???” “Yes Phebe…that is definitely a God thing!”

I didn’t want to admit to her that I had been a little upset with God earlier that day. In fact, I’m puddling up now just thinking about it. In my heart I was screaming at God, “Why didn’t you keep her from sleepwalking? Why didn’t you just let her sleep through the night so she would have been awake while we were gone?” On our way to church this morning the radio announcer was reading the verse about God caring about the sparrows that fall, how much more does He care for us. As I sat in church today singing and praising Him, Phebe was walking blind down the middle of the road. It angered me. Not until Phebe pointed out that it was a “God thing” did I realize how He had protected her. Shame on me for not having the faith of a child. Phebe’s 5 year old brain figured out His sovereignty while my 40 year old heart got it all confused.