I realize that many of you are waiting to hear the rest of Uriah’s story and also the story of God finding Phebe for me. Before I continue with those I feel that I must share what God just revealed to me.
Many times since Uriah died I have worried that people are confused by my smile. I’ve talked to my husband about it and tell him I’m afraid that people may think I am no longer grieving Uriah’s death because I’m seemingly always smiling.
I tend to smile a lot!!! I remember as a child I smiled all the time. I was happy and felt that I had the best childhood. Even into my early adult life I always had a smile on my face. Then in my late twenties some really horrible things happened in my life and I didn’t know how to cope with them. I tried to give these things to the Lord, but then I would snatch them back and try to figure it all out on my own. During this time I continued to smile but that smile wasn’t real. I was only smiling because that’s what everyone expected of me. I have struggled with the fear of disappointing people since I was a child. I felt at this time in my life I had disappointed everyone around me. So the least I could do was give them that famous ‘Hannah smile’.
I hated smiling because I knew it was a big fat lie. It seemed to me that people may know that it was a lie, but they wanted to believe it to be the truth…Hannah’s happy, look at that smile. I was so unhappy for ten years. I craved happiness and peace. I longed to be loved by people and God. I envied others around me because I assumed them to be living a life of peace, happiness, love and truth.
On November 15, 2009, I heard a message that finally made me realize that God loved me. I had convinced myself that He didn’t. I had told myself for ten years that there was no way that God could love me! I believed that He loved everyone…just not me. So when I finally understood the truth that God did love me just as much as He loved His son Jesus I finally had peace in my life again. I could accept that not only did God love me, but so did my friends and family. I had been telling myself that my children only “loved” me because they had to. My parents only “loved” me out of obligation. My friends didn’t really “love” me; they just tolerated me. So when I finally accepted God’s love I could accept the love from people. I can’t begin to tell you what peace I had in my heart because of this truth!
When Uriah died my biggest fear was that I would grow bitter again and not have the peace from the Lord any longer. I was terrified that this would happen. I realize that it has only been a month since Uriah went home to be with the Lord, but I still have God’s peace. Not only do I have His peace, but also I still KNOW that He loves me. God didn’t “do” this to me because I did something wrong. God loves me and loves Uriah even more than I do. I pray that no one takes what I’m about to say wrong. I would much prefer Uriah to be in Heaven and have the peace of God than to have Uriah here with me without God’s peace. Don’t get me wrong - I crave to hold my son and love him and watch him grow into a wonderful godly man. However, I can look forward to seeing him someday. I cannot live without God’s peace!
Outside my window... it is dark and cold but I’m happy knowing that spring is just around the corner.
