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My goal for this year is to be more consistent in writing on my blog. Although, I’m pretty sure that was a goal for me last year, too.  Hmmm, do I at least get an A for effort???

The last few weeks have been quite the challenge for me.  Had I known how difficult life would be today, I may have made a different choice a few months back.

Last January my youngest daughter quit breastfeeding. I really don’t blame her any.  I was only able to make about two to three ounces a day with her.  She had a lip tie to boot so she didn’t enjoy it at all.  So since I was no longer breastfeeding or pregnant I wanted to do something to help with my fibromyalgia pain.

Fibromyalgia…what a pain…no pun intended! Ok, maybe a little bit intended.  ;o)  It’s almost an indescribable pain.  For me, if you touch my skin and use any pressure at all it HURTS! Then add on the deep muscle pain. You know what that is…when you make that New Year’s resolution about working out every day!  You go into the gym and take that spin class and give it all you got.  You leave the gym feeling like Shaquille O’Neal.  You’re on top of the world! You shower and go to bed excited about looking and feeling like the Rock!   Then you wake up in the middle of the night to use the potty because you also drank 1,400 gallons of water while getting so buff. You sit up and attempt to move your leg off of the side of the bed. The pain you’re feeling causes your eyes to pop out of your head. You stifle a primal scream and quickly disengage your leg muscle and try to breathe normally again.  You close your eyes trying to decide if it would be better to spend the rest of the night in agony from your need to use the bathroom, or die from the pain half way to the potty room.  That’s what my muscles feel like. Now, add the chronic back and neck pain. It feels as if you have a knife in your lower back, upper shoulder, and neck…at all times.

I had been without fibro meds since 2009. I have either been pregnant or nursing so none of the meds were an option. So last January I wanted to do a cartwheel because I knew I could begin to take something and get back to living without as much pain. Nothing takes away all of the pain, but if you can somehow lessen the pain life begins to feel manageable again.  My doctor suggested that I start taking Cymbalta. She said the side effects were very minimal, and that most people didn’t experience any of them. By February I was in a very good place with my pain level.  My pain level had been an 8 or 9 most days.  A month into the meds I was down to a 4 or 5.  Aaahhhhh, now that is much more manageable in my opinion.  In August I forgot to take my medication one night.  Not a big deal right?  WRONG!!!  The next day I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk.  I lay on the couch all day…trying to be a mom and wife.  I remember praying that God would take me home because I couldn’t handle this level of pain.  My awesome hubby did some research and found some very disturbing facts about this med.  He wanted me to go off the med.  I wanted him to mind his own business.  I’m joking…kinda.  It just didn’t compute in my brain to stop taking a med that helped the pain so much.

After a couple of weeks I did my own research.  I chose not to tell Jesse because I didn’t want to be swayed by my love for him and wanting to please him. I needed to decide what was best for me.  What was best for my everyday life.  How would I manage my pain and take care of my husband, my children, my house, and myself.  I was appalled at what I read! How could a pharmaceutical company even consider distributing this medication?  The side effects for this medication are far beyond horrendous. What it had already started to do to my body and brain was not acceptable.  I realize I’m not a young lady anymore but I’m NOT old and I have a lot of life left to live!  So I started to taper off of the med. I started the end of September.  I had done enough research to know that this would take many weeks to finally be off the med. 

I was honestly surprised at how smoothly it went.   About a week before Christmas I stopped taking it completely.  Prior to that week I had been taking a very small dose every 2-3 days.  By a day or two after Christmas I thought I would lose my mind. The pain was back with a vengeance…Pain had brought his extended family and friends.  On top of the pain was the way my mind seemingly stopped working.  I couldn’t remember ANYTHING! I would say a word and hear myself say THAT word. However, a completely different word would actually come out of my mouth.  For instance, I would say, “Phebe, would you please go get the clothes out of the drier?”  What I actually said was, “Abner, would you please go get the food out of the cupboard?” Abner wasn’t even in the room, and Phebe looked at me like I had lost my ever living mind! I was also extremely dizzy.  So dizzy I didn’t even feel comfortable driving.  I was also EXTREMELY agitated and angry.  Nothing was wrong in my life but I felt like EVERYTHING was wrong.  I started speaking words of truth to myself.  That may sound stupid, but I knew I needed to do this if I was going to make it through these extremely rough days. I tried to stay away from my children and hubby because I didn’t want to say things I would regret later.  The problem was everyone was on Christmas break so we seemed to always be together.  So I took VERY long baths and spent a lot of time in my bedroom.

So here I am today…wondering if I made the right decision.  I’m not really wondering. I know I made the right decision.  My biggest fear is that this pain and anxiety may never go away.  I’ve read that many people who have stopped taking this medication have not recovered.  I’m doing everything in my power to not be one of those people.   I have an amazing chiropractor that is helping me every step of the way.  He has found many natural supplements that should help.  I’ve only been on these supplements a couple of days, so time will tell.

So why did I write about this today? I don’t have a clue. Maybe because this is all I can think about right now. Maybe because someone may read this and decide against taking a medication that should never be given to ANYONE, or at least do some research first.  Maybe because I just needed to vent a little.  I’m not sure, but I do feel a bit better!

At least I haven’t failed on my New Year’s resolution…yet.  I’m writing and posting.  Go me!!!!!!!


Kathy said...

If I read your blog to Dan he would understand every description of your pain. That's how he feels. He hasn't been on cymbolta, but is on many other meds. Pain impacts everything. Also, not being able to come up with the words he is trying to say makes him so sad. "I use to preach. Scripture verses could be recalled word for word. Not any more." So know you are not alone. Someday, I hope the cause of fibro can be found. Hugs to you, my friend.