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Asher is now four and has an amazing imagination.  He LOVES to play new made-up games.  His newest pastime is pretending to be someone and acting out a play…preferably with someone else.  Today it was all about David…King David…before he became king. 

“Dad, you’re going to be Goliath and I’m going to be David. So go get a sword and a shield.”

My hubby complied and stood in front of Asher and said, “Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an Israelite!”

Asher was immediately furious. “DAD, that is NOT what Goliath said.  He said, ‘What am I - a dog?’ and then he laughed like this ‘HA HA HA!’ Now try again.”

My poor hubby!!!!!

So Jesse said in quite a quiet manner, “What am I - a dog? Hee hee hee.”

I thought poor Asher was going to come unglued. “DAD, loud….Goliath was very loud! WHAT AM I A DOG? HA HA HA HA HA!”

Jesse eventually did it right.  ;-)  Asher has no problem telling you when you are doing something incorrectly, but he also doesn’t have a problem with telling you when you do something right.

A few weeks ago Asher complained throughout the day that his tummy hurt.  I gave him a little extra attention but since he had no symptoms I didn’t do much else. It had been a very long day.  Everyone was finally in bed.  Jesse was getting ready for bed and I decided I would sneak downstairs and watch a little TV all by myself. :-)  I don’t think I had been sitting there 5 minutes when I heard Asher screaming his head off.  Now let me explain what I mean by that.  This kid has THE shrillest screech you have ever heard.  In fact, when he was just a baby he woke up crying from his nap with that scream that can wake the dead.  The neighbor was sleeping in his house and said he sat straight up in bed thinking the house must be on fire. No, it was just my son next door letting me know he was ready to get out of bed.  :-/

So I’m hearing this screech and I instantly know he’s up there vomiting.  I took a deep breath and settled back in the chair.  I convinced myself at that moment that my hubby could handle it.  Just nominate me for “mom of the year.” After five or six minutes of this gut-wrenching crying I finally headed upstairs.  It’s funny to me now, when I recall the sight.
Jesse is a very patient man and also VERY quiet.  So the man I saw that night sort of shocked me.  He was forcefully trying to get Asher to bend over the toilet to vomit.  Very loudly stating, “BEND OVER BEND OVER!”  Asher only arched his back and sprayed the bathroom with……YUCK! FYI ladies…guys weren’t meant to do stuff like this, and it’s ok.  

So I ran to Asher’s side and told him how sorry I was he was sick.  I started to rub his back and repeatedly told him what a brave little boy he was.  The next time he needed to up-chuck he bent right over the toilet and did his thing.  I continued to sooth and comfort him.  Then I put him in a nice warm bath with peppermint oil. He laid in there and just relaxed.  It was so sweet.  I ran the water over his tummy with my hand and kept telling him he was such a big boy…handling all of this so well.  My poor hubby was cleaning the bathroom while this was going on.  Poor guy!!!!  Although I think he much preferred it.

Asher ended up in bed with us.  I snuggled in close to him and massaged his tummy with oils.  He started to nod off. Then he turned to me smiled and said, “Momma, you take such good care of me.”  Then fell asleep.  Oh the guilt I felt!  I knew I wasn’t the great mom Asher thought I was.  For crying out loud I had just sat in my lazy boy forever before deciding to help him.  UGH!

My children teach me something nearly every day.  I love how the Lord uses them to do that for me.
I’ve talked to some different ladies the last few weeks, and was astonished by what they said.  They were struggling in the same areas as I was.  They said things like:

I’m worthless as a mom.

My family would be better off without me.

I can’t figure out why my husband even bothers to stay with me.

I’m the worst wife ever.

I’m ugly.

I’m fat.

I don’t know how to cook, dress, decorate, clean, care for my children.

I’m unworthy of love.

My kids deserve a mom who gets up and devotes more time with them.
WOW, who is telling us women this crap?!?!?!?!?! It sure isn’t God! I think it’s the stinkin’ rotten devil.  I believe with all my heart he is very jealous of moms. Why?  Because it is something he can never be.  He can never feel that little one grow inside of him. He can never deliver a baby and feel that fulfillment of being a woman.   He can never feed a baby from his breast.  He can never comfort like a mom because he can never be one.  So what does he do?  He torments us with lies.  You know what WE do?  We listen.  Why?  Because he’s very convincing.  I know with all my heart I’m not even close to being the woman Eve was.  Yet, he was able to confuse and convince her of a very big lie.  Do we really think we are better than Eve?  She was a woman who actually walked and talked with God. 

Then we silly women keep all of these hurts, lies, feelings, and struggles to ourselves. We convince ourselves that we are the only ones who feel this way.  HARDLY!  Ladies we need to share how we feel.  We need to talk.  We need to cry.  Why are we hiding?  Why are we hurting alone?  The devil is enjoying this so much.  He’s over in the corner laughing his fool head off at us.  How about we stop giving him that satisfaction!?!  How about we speak the truth!?!  How about we take every thought captive!?!  If we would just do the simple things that God encourages us to do, life would be sooooooo much better.

If God wants us to have an abundant life how can we have that if we are listening to a bunch of lies? We MUST speak the truth!!!!!

I am a princess of the most high King.( Romans 8:17)

I am His favorite. (John 17:23)

He loves me completely.  (Ephesians 3:16-21)

He has a plan just for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I am holy and without blame. (Ephesians 1:4)

He sings over me. (Zephaniah 3:17)

He knows my heart. (Psalms 139:1-2)

He says I’m beautiful. (1 Peter 3:3-4)

He will never leave me. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

I can stop the devil. (Ephesians 6:16)

Sometimes the truth hurts.  Just ask my poor hubby when Asher “instructs” him. Other times the truth will lift us up.  The truth will bring us closer to Christ.  The truth will set us free from the lies of the devil.

Who’s with me?  Who will stand with me today and SPEAK THE TRUTH!!??!!
Lupus, what a joke! 

I was diagnosed with this horrible sickness five years ago.  I had been dealing with many of the symptoms for ten years prior to this.  I couldn’t find a doctor for TEN years who could figure out what was wrong with me.  Ten years….ugh!  I honestly began to wonder if I was losing my mind.  They kept telling me I was just dealing with depression.  As if depression is not a big deal.  The problem was I wasn’t dealing with depression…I was dealing with lupus!  I remember dealing with headaches, a rash all over my face, fatigue, and memory loss. Can someone explain to me how this is depression? They would say to me that there was nothing wrong with me.  They also said it was all in my head.  Really?  REALLY?????

I finally found a doctor who was willing to do some extra bloodwork.  What did he find?  You guessed it…Lupus!  He sent me to a very good rheumatologist that confirmed the diagnoses along with fibromyalgia.  What a bittersweet moment.  Finally, an answer to all my strange symptoms I dealt with on a daily basis.  However, the realization that this was something I would be dealing with for the rest of my life was very disheartening.  L The strangest thing that happened was I was not able to realize I was in constant pain until they mentioned it.  I still don’t comprehend this, but I KNOW that the daily pain is VERY real! I’ve read that this happens to lots of people…strange.

The rheumatologist prescribed a medication that would help with many of my symptoms.  He told me it would easily take 2-3 months before the meds would work.  Well, three months later I was pregnant and all the medications stopped.  I was so miserable during that pregnancy.  I couldn’t wait for it to be over.  My OB had told me that because of the lupus I would be followed very closely, specialists would be involved every step of the way, and they would most definitely be inducing at 37 weeks for the safety of the baby. I honestly didn’t know what he was talking about.  The misery of the pregnancy did not allow me to think clearly.  I just went to my appointments and counted the days.

No one told me the dangers of lupus and pregnancy.  No one told me the huge possibility of stillbirth.  The only warning they gave me was that the baby could very possibly have a heart issue.  So they monitored his heart very closely.  I went to my 37 week appointment with bags in hand and my hubby at my side because we totally anticipated being induced.  The other OB in the office said she didn’t have a clue what I was talking about and they would not be inducing that day.   This happened every week for the next three weeks.  I was beyond depressed.  At almost 41 weeks I went into labor naturally, but it was too late…the baby died.

Not one doctor told me this was probably because of the lupus.
Six weeks later I was pregnant again, and of course no meds for the lupus.  In fact, my rheumatologist moved away.  The pain was excruciating. There were many times my ten year old son had to lift my legs into the bed because I couldn’t physically do it. Abner helped me so much through that pregnancy. I remember crawling through the house because I couldn’t stand the pain to walk.  The many doctors that were following me through this pregnancy even prescribed narcotics for my pain.  I refused to take it because I wasn’t willing to take anything that may hurt this baby. This baby was born at 34 weeks.  He had some issues breathing but he lived.  J

When this baby was four months old I fell down a few steps and broke my ankle in three places.  It was such a simple fall it made no sense that my bones broke so easily.  I was just told by my new rheumatologist that it was because of the lupus.
I was so busy during this time that I didn’t take the time to take care of myself.  I didn’t eat right, I didn’t look for a new rheumatologist, and I didn’t even think about my symptoms.  I had way too many other things to deal with.  Before I knew it I was pregnant again.  This pregnancy wasn’t as bad, in fact, my bloodwork showed that the lupus was in remission.  This is what happens in most lupus cases.  It had just never happened with me before this.  That is not to say this pregnancy was easy.  I was still dealing with fibromyalgia pain as well as gestational diabetes.  I had switched OB’s for this little one and they insisted I be monitored closely as well as be induced by 37 weeks. This baby was born and had some issues with her lungs but didn’t need to go to the NICU. 

After she was born I tried everything I could think of to lose weight.  Nothing worked.  It didn’t make any sense.  In fact, I was gaining weight even though I was eating right and exercising. The weight just piled on and the pain magnified. 

I finally listened to a friend’s advice and went to see a holistic nurse.  She explained that I was dealing with a very severe case of candida.  Before going to see this nurse I remember telling my husband I felt like I was dying.  I was quite sure I was going to have a heart attack or a stroke. The nurse explained that the candida was so bad that I could very easily have a heart attack or stroke.  She told me I could no longer babysit and I needed to find someone to take care of my little ones for at least two weeks while she tried to get this yeast overgrowth under control.  She was amazing and things started to look up.  The problem was I couldn’t afford all of the supplements she suggested.  So another friend told me about a natural doctor she was following on YouTube.  I figured it wouldn’t hurt.  So I started listening to his advice.  His suggestion was to eat only fruit.  This sounded crazy but by this point I would have eaten dog poo if it meant I would feel normal again.
The fruit worked!  I had NEVER felt so good in my life.  I lost fifty pounds without even trying. I was always full because I could eat as much fruit as I wanted.  Then I found out I was pregnant.  The fatigue came back with a vengeance.  Even worse than the fatigue was the morning sickness.  I was a mess. I was sick 24/7.  Not just nauseous but SICK!  I had no idea one could be this sick ALL the time.  After a couple months of barely being able to leave my bed I decided to contact the holistic nurse again. After listening to a friend tell me I REALLY should!  Of course, she had the answer.  She put me on some supplements and within 48 hours the sickness was tolerable. 

The fatigue and pain only worsened.  I was literally sleeping 20 hours a day. Try doing that with four kids.  J  I again saw a new OB because the last one had moved.  This OB was a God send.  He totally put me at ease and actually listened to me.  He has called me at home just to check and see how I was feeling as well as personally giving me my test results.  Knowing your doctor cares means so much!  A couple of months ago he asked if I would be willing to see a rheumatologist.  I told him I would rather not.  He was so kind about it though that I agreed to see the rheumatologist.  Boy, am I thankful I did.
Two weeks ago I went to see her.  She was amazing!  She spent over two hours explaining the effects of lupus on my body.  In my head I thought I was feeling better.  I didn’t want to admit I felt like crap again.  She started listing off symptoms…probably close to 15…I had 10 of them.  She also explained that since I was not taking any meds for the lupus that it was amazing that I was still alive in my 40’s.  Most women who deal with lupus and don’t medicate generally die by the age of 40.  Lupus causes your body to attack itself.  It likes to attack organs.  Apparently it likes to attack my heart, which would now explain all my chest pain and fatigue.  I’m not one for taking prescriptions at all!!!!!  However, I really felt that this time I needed to rethink that choice.  One of the reasons I decided to take the medication is because many pregnant women who have lupus have stillbirths.  I CANNOT go through that again. 

I have not been writing on my blog because I didn’t have the mental capacity to write.  In fact, I couldn’t even read.  Well, I could read but I couldn’t understand what I was reading.  This is very difficult for someone who used to read a book a day.  Since being on this medication I actually read and finished a book.    This thrills my heart.  I  READ A BOOK PEOPLE!!!!!!!  I have no clue if what I wrote today makes any sense but I wrote it nonetheless.  This makes me smile. J 

I hope and pray I will be able to continue with reading and writing.  It makes me feel soooooooooooo good!  Thank you Lord for bringing the right people into my life at the right time!