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I lived in such a deep depression for many years of my life.  So deep I never thought I would crawl out of it.   During those 10-15 years of my life I struggled to understand how God could really love me…personally.  I believe the Bible.  I believe when He says He loves the whole world.  For whatever reason I couldn’t fathom that I was part of that “world.”  I never felt like I belonged.  Maybe that’s just part of how some adoptees feel.  I remember thinking often while growing up that if I wasn’t good enough for my own mother to want me why would anyone else truly want me…including God.   That was a lie from the pits of hell, but that’s what the devil likes to do…shoot those fiery arrows with awful lies straight at our heart.  I wonder too if people who deal more with depression are people who feel just a little bit deeper than those who aren’t depressed.  Many, many, many times throughout my life people have said something in passing that hurt me to the core.  Something that they probably never gave a second thought, but something that about destroyed me.  One thing that has helped me during those times was claiming John 10:10 The thief (that’s the devil) does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.  I  (that’s Jesus) have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.  What’s so exciting to me about that verse is that God doesn’t just want me to have a life.  He sent His only Son so that I could have an ABUNDANT life.  When I think of abundance I think of being drenched in goodness.  You know how you can buy a cheap frozen pizza and you take it out of the box and you can literally count each piece of grated cheese.  That is NOT abundance.  When my teenage son puts cheese on his pizza I wonder if we should invest in a cow just to supply him with enough cheese.  It’s crazy folks.  His pizza probably weighs more than any of my children at birth.  Now that’s abundance!!!!!

Almost two years ago my brother-in-law and sister-in-law welcomed a 3 day old baby into their home.  I honestly couldn’t wait to see her.  I had no idea what she was going to look like, but it didn’t matter.  I loved her already.  I finally was able to see her about three weeks later.  She was perfect!  To my surprise she even had brown skin.  I honestly couldn’t kiss her and snuggle with her enough.  I remember leaving their home the next day wishing I could kiss her just a few more times.  Every time we went to visit I fell just a bit more in love with her.  From day one she was part of our family.  It didn’t matter if she had been in my sister-in-law’s womb or not.  It didn’t matter that she had brown skin.  Nothing mattered.  She was in our hearts.  She was family.  Over the past year or so there have been a few fearful times that she would be adopted or put back into her birth family.  Each time God showed himself faithful and graciously answered our pleadings to allow her to stay in our family.  We continue to pray, and He continues to hear.  1 John 5:14 says, “Now this is the confidence that we have in Him (Jesus), that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  I believe with all my heart that He has heard our prayers and I thank Him for that.  It looks like this sweet little toddler is soon going to leave our family and go back to her birth mom.  I’m sure in some cases this could be a great thing, but in this particular case it is not.  Not just because we want little S to stay with us, but because we know S won’t have the stability, love, and care that she has now. 

Knowing that S will be leaving any day makes me want to crawl into a dark hole and die. I know Satan is hoping I fall back into a deep depression, but I refuse to give him that satisfaction.  I know that God understands.  He tells us He does. Ps. 147:5b says, “His understanding is infinite.”  I also know that I don’t think like God.  Isaiah 55:9 says. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My (God) thoughts than your thoughts.”  One of the reasons His thoughts are higher than mine is the fact that He is perfect and can see it all.  He sees the beginning and the end.  He already knows S’ future.  We only know how much it will hurt when she leaves.

A friend of mine said the other day that she is so sick of the devil.  I wholeheartedly agreed with her.  She also said that she didn’t believe that S leaving our family was God’s Will but the result of us living in a sinful world that the devil is having a field day running.  I again agreed emphatically.  I’m sure there will be people that don’t have something encouraging to say like my friend did.  They’ll say this is God’s will.  They’ll say she’s better off.  They’ll say it’s ok because she wasn’t really family.  When my son passed away so many people said he was much better off in God’s arms than in mine.  OK, this is true, but it was the very last thing I wanted or needed to hear.  I understand that God loves my children more than I’ll ever be capable of loving them.  I also realize He can care for them far better than I can.  That does not mean I want Him to take them all to Glory to be with Him now. Sometimes the best thing to say is, “I don’t know what to say”.  

With little S I know that God knows her future.  He knew when she joined our family what was going to take place this month.   When something hurts us that doesn’t mean He isn't in control.  He is in control.  He does care.  He hurts right along with us.  He sends the Holy Spirit to comfort us.  I also believe that God can move mountains.  He can make a way for S to stay in our family.  I will always have that hope.  I refuse to let the devil take that away.  If God cares about a bird, or the grass in the fields, or how many hairs I have on my head than I KNOW He cares about S.  He cares about how we are hurting.  He hears our pleas.  He understands our sorrow.  He’s collecting our tears.  He feels our grief. 

I saw S two days ago presumably for the last time.  As my sister-in-law pulled out of her driveway with little S in the back seat my family and I stood in her yard waving and blowing kisses.  S peeked her little head up and could barely see out of the backseat window.  She waved.  She giggled.  She blew kisses.  She had no idea.  I’ll never forget that happy little brown face as long as I live.  I’ll never forget kissing her soft feathery wisps of hair on our first visit.  I’ll continue to praise my heavenly Father for allowing us to love her. To hold her.  To watch her learn. To see her grow.  To hear her giggles.  To hear her say “thank-you” in her sweet little way.  To watch her take her first steps.  To see her  welcome her baby brother into the family.  To rock her to sleep.  To comfort her fears.  To sing to her.  To tickle her.  To pass down clothes to her.  To just plain enjoy her.  Because my God is good.  He’s fair.  He’s just.  He’s sovereign.  He’s perfect.   I know the devil is trying to steal S from us. I know the devil is hoping to kill our belief in God.   I know the devil is hoping to destroy our faith over this.  But Satan will not get that satisfaction.  We hurt but we don’t give up.  We cry but are comforted by the Comforter.  We are even fearful at times, but we KNOW God is fighting for us and He will win!

Be anxious for NOTHING, but in EVERYTHING by prayer and supplication, with THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses ALL understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6&7


Patricia said...

Thanks for sharing, Hannah! I've cried so many tears already. Still praying for a miracle.