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I have to say, after reading in Job the last few days that I sure have much to be thankful for when it comes to my friends. The Lord has blessed me richly with good godly friends. I can't imagine for a second getting through the last couple of weeks without the Lord, family, and friends. They all love me and want to help!

I finally made it to my room and my friend Melissa was there. Looking back I don’t think I even greeted her. I sat on the bed and stared out the window and tried with all my might not to cry. It didn’t work. I didn’t want to make small talk, but I didn’t want to talk about what had happened either. My mom, who knows me inside out, could sense that Jesse and I needed some alone time so she and Melissa left for a bit. I remember Jesse holding me and we sat there and cried and cried. I told him I was so sorry he had chosen me to be his wife. I felt that if he hadn’t married me he wouldn’t be going through this pain. I also said, “Everything in my life falls apart Jesse!Nothing works out for me. All I’ve ever wanted is children and now I have one given to me and he gets torn away.” Jesse understood but wasn’t very pleased with what I had to say. He quickly informed me that I needed to stop thinking this way and that he never wanted me to regret us getting married. He was thankful for me. I couldn’t comprehend this. I felt like it was my entire fault. I was sure I had done something to cause this to happen. I told him I wasn’t going to go back to see Uriah…it was just too painful. He didn’t say anything.

Mom and Melissa returned and Loni arrived. She just hugged me and cried. We all sat and just talked. Loni kept turning the conversation back to Uriah. I finally told her that I wasn’t going to go back to see him. The room was quiet. Jesse had taken Melissa down to see the baby and Loni kept encouraging me to go see him. She explained that I may only have a few days or even hours with him and that I needed to make memories. I knew in my heart she was right but oh the pain.Melissa returned alone and I knew the man I loved was suffering alone with our baby so Loni loaded me in the wheelchair and took me to them.

At the entrance to the NICU room I saw my husband looking at his son. His first son. His first son that might soon be leaving him. The sadness on his face broke my heart.

I got out of the wheelchair and went and stood next to him. We just stared at Uriah. Words wouldn’t come. There was too much pain. I touched Uriah’s little arm. His little forearm had soft brown hair. I held his hand. I noticed that his nails needed to be cut. I rubbed his head. He had so much soft brown curly hair. The nurse again said it was ok to kiss him. I was torn. I wanted to kiss him terribly, but knew when I kissed him I would bond to him even more. Loni kept saying to make my memories. So I kissed him. He smelled different. He smelled like Uriah. He was soft.He was cold. The little blue mat under his body was doing its job in lowering his body temperature. Jesse then took his turn and kissed our son. I loved seeing father and son together if only through a kiss.

So much of the rest of the day runs together. My mother-in-law came, but I don’t remember when. I ordered dinner but don’t remember eating. My dad called but I don’t remember the conversation. Melissa and Loni went home. Jesse took his mom to our house for the night; he wanted to come back and spend the night with me but I insisted he stay home and get at least a little rest. I think I needed to be alone to try to process what was happening.

I struggled with the decision of pumping milk for Uriah. I asked his nurse what I should do. She just stared at me. I knew then that she didn’t think he would survive. There was another nurse standing near us and heard my question. She asked me if I had originally planned on nursing him and that if I had I should follow through with that plan. I was praying that God would heal him. I dreamt of taking him home and he being completely fine. I knew God could heal him, but didn’t know if that was part of God’s holy plan. So I decided that just in case it was I better have some milk on stand by. As I pumped the milk I imagined cradling little Uriah in my arms and feeling his weight in my arms and his mouth tugging at my breast. I couldn’t stop the tears.

That night the nurse came and gave me a sleeping pill. I fell asleep as the tears continued to flow and as my prayer continued that God would heal our little Uriah.


Valerie said...

You are so strong, Hannah. Reading your story is inspiring and although its hard to read through the tears, I find myself turning to God more than I have been in the past months, even the past year. If He can give you the strength to persevere and the will to share your experience... well lets just say I remember what it means to unweigh my shoulders again.

Anonymous said...

Weeping again with you . . . .

Sr. Ann Marie said...

Hannah, I continue to pray for you and your family. You are gift to one another just as Uriah is, and will continue to be, gift to you.

Bill Van Wormer said...

I will continue to pray for you and your husband as you deal with the loss of your precious little one. I have been blessed by reading your blog and it will help me know how exactly to pray. From - Julie

Cami @ Creating Myself said...

I am so very sorry. I read your story at your MIL's blog & had to come & cry & pray w/ you.

Debra said...

Oh Hannah,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry. This is all so fresh still. I would like to email you but I see no address link. If you would like, you can email me at windingtheskein@gmail.com

Uriah is a beautiful name.

Grace and peace to you from God our Father.