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In December I thought I should try to come up with a great New Years Resolution. I decided I would start blogging. I have tried many times to keep a journal but never seem to follow through. My mother-in-law has a blog (Pausing to Consider) that I enjoy reading and it has been so encouraging to me. So I decided I would give it a go. January 1st and 2nd came and went with lots of excuses as to why I couldn't fit time for blogging into my schedule. There were Christmas decorations to take care of, I was 9 months pregnant, the kids hadn't gone back to school yet etc., etc.


Saturday January 2nd I stayed in bed almost the whole day. I was so depressed that I hadn't had the baby yet. I was due December 30th and I felt like I would be pregnant the rest of my life. My hubby and I went to bed around 11:00 never imagining what would happen the next day.


I woke up around 2:30 in the morning. I took notice that the baby had the hiccups. They weren't normal hiccups. He would hiccup three times in a row, pause and repeat. I thought this was strange and even considered calling the doctor, but felt silly calling for "strange hiccups." So I went back to sleep thinking his little hiccup episode would stop. I woke up again at 6:30 and the poor little guy still had the weird hiccups. So I decided I would call the hospital and see what they thought. They told me it was probably nothing to worry about but that I should probably call my doctor to see what he wanted me to do. So I called my OBGYN and he told me to go to the hospital to get monitored. I hung up and thought that maybe I wouldn't bother going in. After all, it was just the hiccups, besides the fact that the hospital was over an hour away. My husband was sleeping...well not just sleeping. He has narcolepsy and takes medications at night that make it next to impossible to wake him. So I decided to just wait. Five minutes later I started having contractions. There went the whole waiting plan.


By 8:00 we were on our way to the hospital. My mother joined us. I had asked her to be at this delivery as she had never seen a live birth. She has 10 children but the first four were C-sections and the last 6 were adopted. She was so excited to be a part of Uriah's beginning. We arrived to the hospital just after 9:00. My contractions were about two minutes apart. I had seen my doctor the week before and was dilated to 4 cm so I was praying I was at least at 6 cm by the time we arrived. My husband was trying to be a bit more realistic and was hoping for 5 cm. They hooked me up to the monitor and I asked the nurse if she could hear the hiccups I had been talking about. She smiled and said she could but she was sure it was nothing to be concerned with. She then checked me and I was dilated to 6 cm. We headed to a labor and delivery room. They had asked me if I wanted an epidural but I couldn't make my mind up. I really wanted one but was so worried about what other people might think. This is something I need to work on.


I have lupus and struggle with pain on a daily basis. I have always had a high tolerance for pain but the more pain I'm in the lower the tolerance seems to become. So I ended up getting the epidural. Praise the Lord my husband decided to go get my bag from the car when they came to place the epidural. For some unknown reason my body doesn't except local anesthetics. The doctor attempted to numb my back so he could insert the catheter but to no avail. I have never been in so much pain in my entire life. The tears just streamed down my face. My poor mother sat in the corner praying and crying. I have to admit that it was worth it. Once the epidural was in place there was no more pain whatsoever...what a blessing.


The baby’s (we named him Uriah) heart rate was a bit higher than normal so my doctor ordered an IV and oxygen. Neither one seemed to make any difference. The Doctor came in about 10:00 to check me and to break my water. I was dilated to 8 cm. When he broke the bag of water we realized Uriah had already had a bowel movement. He said that he would have the NICU nurses in the room to suction him as soon as he was born and that this was very common so not to worry. He said he would be back about 11:30 as I would be ready to deliver. He left and I asked the nurse how in the world did he know I would be ready to push by then. She explained that he had been doing this for over 30 years and she had yet to see him be wrong on this.


Sure enough he returned at 11:30 and I was fully dilated. They prepared the room and by 11:35 I started pushing. It was quite different from my last delivery. With my first son I had only pushed 3 times so I had anticipated that this time would be the same. It was not. I think it was because of the epidural and I just couldn't figure out quite how to push. I finally got the hang of it. Three NICU nurses arrived ready to suction Uriah when he was delivered. Once I had delivered his head my doctor suctioned him a little. I remember thinking I couldn't wait to have him placed on my chest. I couldn't wait to hear his first little cry. I couldn't wait to see how proud my husband would be to see his first son. I could hear the doctor telling me to push one last time. Uriah was born at 11:54 and handed directly to the nurses. I was so relieved that it was finally over, but was wondering why I didn't hear him crying. I looked at my doctor and he was waiting for the afterbirth. I looked at my nurse and she was busy cleaning. I looked at my mom and she was praying. I looked at my husband and saw concern. I looked at the nurses and they were performing CPR and trying to intubate the baby. Two of the nurses said to get the NICU doctor STAT. My nurse called and so did one of the NICU nurses. He was there in what seemed like seconds. He was able to intubate Uriah. He came to me and said they weren't sure what was going on but that they were going to take Uriah up to the NICU to see what they could figure out. My poor husband was torn. He wanted to stay with me, but knew someone should go with the baby. I begged him to go with Uriah as I had my mom to stay with me.


I kept asking my poor nurse every time she entered the room if she had heard anything. She just shook her head. An hour later my husband returned. He said they weren't sure at this point what happened but that it looked like Uriah had at some point not gotten enough oxygen and there appeared to be some brain damage. My nurse was about ready to take me to my room but instead she took me to my baby.


I was not prepared to see my son. He had so many wires and tubes I didn't know for sure if I could even touch him. His nurse reassured me that it was ok to touch him. I was so scared. They were in the middle of doing an EEG on his brain to see if there was any activity. The doctor explained that they were going to try to lower his body temperature to help preserve any good brain activity that may be left. I tried to grasp what everyone was telling me but nothing made any sense. The nurse patiently explained what all they were monitoring and what all the numbers meant on the screen. She then told me it was ok to kiss him. Up until that moment I had been nice and strong. All of a sudden it hit me. I couldn't kiss him. I just started sobbing. I ended up having the nurse take me to my room.


At this point I decided I wouldn't go back to see him. I just felt in my heart that there was no hope and that I couldn't stand to see him not respond to anything. The nurse had said that he was a very sick baby and the fact that he wasn't moving was a big concern. I recall picking up his little arm and letting it go and it just fell to his side.


I texted my friend who had a stillborn baby years ago. I knew she would understand what I was going through and that she would pray. I remember the text, “Loni they don't think he's going to make it. I want to die.” Her reply was, “I'm on my way.”




11 comments:

Patricia said...

Hannah,

Thank you for having the courage to tell your story of Uriah's short life. I'm so thankful your mom was able to be with the three of you that day. Looking forward to the rest of your story. It will be a means of healing for many people.

Love you

Patricia said...

Every time I click on your page it changes. This one is gorgeous. Love the colors and the soft feeling. I know it takes awhile to get comfortable with a design. Blogs are always a work in progress.

Hannah said...

:oD Jesse and I were wondering if anyone had been trying to read this as we kept changing things...so funny!

Valerie said...

Hannah, you are so strong and beautiful. I really don't think I would recover from an event like this. YOU inspire me to be stronger, and to never doubt my faith. God loves you, as you well know. I love you too, my dear friend, and I want to thank you and your husband for sharing your story. He was absolutely perfect, and I have a theory: God felt we weren't ready for such perfection yet on Earth.

I'm here for you if you need anything, I'm just a call away (and literally like 6 minutes) :)

chodgkiss said...

Hannah,
This blog address was fowarded to me by a friend and I just thought I would post a comment. I was heart broken when I heard the news of your little Uriah...I am so sorry. I will not even begin to pretend that I know what you are going through; but know that I am praying for you and your family. This is a beautiful blog and hope you can keep it up-to-date. My prayers are with you and Jesse as you continue to heal.

PS. Just found out the guy you married is Jesse Olsen!! My brother use to be like best friends with Sam Olsen....what a small world!!:-)

Angela said...

Hannah,

I am so sorry to hear about baby Uriah. He was such a beautiful baby. I hope that you will find strength and encouragement as you continue to blog you story. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love you,
Angela

R said...

Hannah,
Wow! What a story! I am sure that it means a lot to many people and I am one of them. I have been struggling with something in my life and following your and Uriah's story has been a eye opener.

ruth said...

Hi Hannah,
I'm glad the comment box is working for me now.

Please know that my heart goes out to you now as you grieve for your precious son. May God's presence be your comfort and his peace keeps you going these days.

You are an amazing lady to have remembered and written so well all the tiny details of your birth to Uriah.

(((hugs)))

Becky Berens said...

Hi Hannah,

I don't know if you will remember me but you and I went to DBT meetings a few years back. I was the girl that sat next to you and shared word search puzzle books with you. I now attend Beth Haven Baptist Church and have been praying for you and your family ever since Uriah was born. I still do pray daily and will be reading your blog every day. Keep up the strong faith. God will not fail you. Love In Christ Becky Berens

Debra said...

Oh Hannah, I'm so sorry.

I know.

The Tellinghuisen Family said...

I've read through your blog and have found myself in tears...so touched. I am the mother of two special baby boys, both born with a rare brain condition. They both came home on hospice, and blessedly are still with us. Although I do not know the grief you feel, I know someday I too will be there. And that grief that I feel swallows me up at times. I cannot bear the thought of losing my babies...the first hours after our first son's birth we were asked to sign a Do Not Resuscitate paper. And with our second son (we were told 'it' wouldn't happen again) we had to face the same decision. No parent should ever have to face that situation. Your blog, your STORY, is filled with strength. And I know you feel pain - I believe feeling that pain is strength. I am in pain everyday thinking of the suffering my babies go through - but also revel in the miracle of their presence here on earth, no matter how short. I saw your comment on Debra's latest blog, and my heart jumped for you. Wishing you many blessings and peace in your heart. I will be following your story from here on out...xxoo