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I realize that many of you are waiting to hear the rest of Uriah’s story and also the story of God finding Phebe for me. Before I continue with those I feel that I must share what God just revealed to me.

Many times since Uriah died I have worried that people are confused by my smile. I’ve talked to my husband about it and tell him I’m afraid that people may think I am no longer grieving Uriah’s death because I’m seemingly always smiling.

I tend to smile a lot!!! I remember as a child I smiled all the time. I was happy and felt that I had the best childhood. Even into my early adult life I always had a smile on my face. Then in my late twenties some really horrible things happened in my life and I didn’t know how to cope with them. I tried to give these things to the Lord, but then I would snatch them back and try to figure it all out on my own. During this time I continued to smile but that smile wasn’t real. I was only smiling because that’s what everyone expected of me. I have struggled with the fear of disappointing people since I was a child. I felt at this time in my life I had disappointed everyone around me. So the least I could do was give them that famous ‘Hannah smile’.

I hated smiling because I knew it was a big fat lie. It seemed to me that people may know that it was a lie, but they wanted to believe it to be the truth…Hannah’s happy, look at that smile. I was so unhappy for ten years. I craved happiness and peace. I longed to be loved by people and God. I envied others around me because I assumed them to be living a life of peace, happiness, love and truth.

On November 15, 2009, I heard a message that finally made me realize that God loved me. I had convinced myself that He didn’t. I had told myself for ten years that there was no way that God could love me! I believed that He loved everyone…just not me. So when I finally understood the truth that God did love me just as much as He loved His son Jesus I finally had peace in my life again. I could accept that not only did God love me, but so did my friends and family. I had been telling myself that my children only “loved” me because they had to. My parents only “loved” me out of obligation. My friends didn’t really “love” me; they just tolerated me. So when I finally accepted God’s love I could accept the love from people. I can’t begin to tell you what peace I had in my heart because of this truth!

When Uriah died my biggest fear was that I would grow bitter again and not have the peace from the Lord any longer. I was terrified that this would happen. I realize that it has only been a month since Uriah went home to be with the Lord, but I still have God’s peace. Not only do I have His peace, but also I still KNOW that He loves me. God didn’t “do” this to me because I did something wrong. God loves me and loves Uriah even more than I do. I pray that no one takes what I’m about to say wrong. I would much prefer Uriah to be in Heaven and have the peace of God than to have Uriah here with me without God’s peace. Don’t get me wrong - I crave to hold my son and love him and watch him grow into a wonderful godly man. However, I can look forward to seeing him someday. I cannot live without God’s peace!


koetsier4 said...

what a wonderful testimony for God, Gods love and his grace and mercy he shows all his children. I'm praying for your family to be carried through this difficult time

koetsier4 said...

What an awesome testimony for our God!!! trust that nobodys going to take what you said wrong if they are a beliver in our God!I will continue to pray for your family. God is carring you through.

Patricia said...

Amen! This life would not be tolerable without God's love. And isn't it great that God's love gives us human love to enjoy in all its imperfections?