Love

I don’t know when it started.

I feel as if it has been my whole life, or at least as long as I can remember.

I don’t feel lovable.

Does that make sense?

What I mean is I don’t feel like anyone could ever love me.  I’m not sure why I have felt this way.  I often wonder if it’s because my birthmother gave me up for adoption.  How was I not good enough for her as an infant to not be loved?  My mom (adopted mom) always said that my biological mom loved me most to be able to let another family raise me. I’ve never believed that.

As a child the only time I felt loved is when I did something right and my family praised me.  I really shouldn't say “as a child” because I’ve felt that way even as an adult. I’ve written before about not really believing God could love me. I’ve just never felt worthy of His love, but 2 ½ years ago I finally accepted that God did love me. I realized there was nothing I could do to make Him love me less and nothing I could do to make Him love me more.  What an amazing day that was.  I finally realized that being His child made Him love me unconditionally.  That was it!

This has not carried over into my everyday life however.  I still didn’t believe that people loved me.  This included my family and friends….yes, even my husband.  It’s not as if he never told me…I just didn’t believe him. I’ve been married before and have heard “I love you” many times.  If it was true I believe I would have never been divorced…twice.

Jesse, however, is a whole new story. I have NEVER met ANYONE who is as patient as he. I will be the first to admit that I have NO patience. It’s really quite ridiculous. He has helped me greatly in this area!

When Jesse and I first started telling each other that we loved the other I thought he was lying. I have told him many times how I feel. He just continued to proclaim his love.  Others have done the same thing, but Jesse didn’t stop with words.   I have said hundreds of times that actions speak louder than words. He has proven this to be true. I hate to admit this but during the first year of knowing each other I did everything I could think of to get him to leave me. I didn't have any desire in the world to get married again and have him leave me. I ignored him, belittled him, made fun of him, and even told him to leave. He never said a word. He just continued to love. When our son died I honestly thought that when I came home from the hospital Jesse would be gone. I felt like Uriah was really the only reason Jesse stayed with me. So when he died I thought Jesse would be in the wind. Instead he continued to love me. When my daughter started having numerous medical issues and the medical bills grew to new heights I asked him when he was going to leave. Who in their right mind would stay around through something like this? He just shook his head at me and loved.

He’s done so many things for me…too many to list.  I find it amazing that a couple of months ago was when I finally realized he loved me. You’ll laugh when I tell you when I knew. Jesse had been working two jobs and was rarely home. I was pregnant again and quite sick and, to be honest, very depressed. It was a Saturday and he was working around the house…doing things I would have normally done in the past. By the end of the day he was exhausted. I was upstairs getting the baby ready for bed and he came in to kiss me good-bye. I asked him where he was going and he said he was taking the van into town to vacuum it out. Jesse HATES vacuuming the van. The last time I got him to do it was just before bringing Asher home from the hospital. He knew I couldn't do it and he knew I wanted it done. Jesse is a typical man and never seems to notice when the vehicle needs to be vacuumed.  I used to do it every Saturday…silly me. Anyway, I turned to Asher and said, “Asher, your daddy really loves me and I hope you grow up to be just like him.” Jesse just smiled and headed to town. I sat there and cried my eyes out. Why? Because it was the first time in my life I felt unconditional love from another human. I’m 41 years old and had never felt that before. I truly believe there is nothing I can do to make him love me more or love me less. What an amazing feeling!

Why am I writing this? Because I want the world to know what a wonderful man I have. I want my husband to know I finally realize he is telling the truth. I want any man or woman out there that wonders if anyone could love them to know that the answer is YES! I want to thank my Lord and Savior for bringing Jesse into my life. I want people to possibly learn to love unconditionally. I want to tell my husband, “Honey, I love you with all of my heart and I am so proud to call you mine!”