Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself

My daughter is really opening my eyes to what I believe and why. I’ve been on the verge of tears ever since last Wednesday. Phebe and I were on our way home from her counseling appointment. The topic of forgiveness and love was brought up. She wanted me to explain both words. I did my best. I tried to explain that it’s not something you do just once but that you must continue to love and forgive. Both words are actions not just words. I quoted Matthew 22:36-39 to her.

36Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

37Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

38This is the first and great commandment.

39And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

She became very quiet. After a few minutes she asked if she had to forgive the person who had hurt her for so many years. I told her she did. She asked if I had. I told her that I sure had and continue to do so. She asked if I loved him. I told her I did. I explained that I hated, with all my heart, what he had done, but that I loved him.

All of a sudden it hit me. I say that I love him, but do I love him as myself? Jesus said that I am to love my neighbor as myself. I have to admit that I don’t. I love him, but not as I love myself. Silly me had been so proud of myself for so many years that I could forgive him for what he did to my daughter and other girls, and that I loved him. I have to admit that I don’t want to love him as much as I love myself. If I could lie face down on the floor and stomp my feet and beat my fists in the ground right now I would. I don’t want to love him like that.

I think what makes me want to cry is, that I’m so afraid that because of my unwillingness to love him as I should, that is what is preventing my daughter from getting better. I couldn’t begin to tell you how many times I have quoted these verses, and told people if we just did these two things everything else would fall into place. Now here I am…needing to love someone and refusing to do it completely. I kid myself by saying, “If he would just admit what he has done and ask for forgiveness I could love him correctly.” That’s not true though. That would be a conditional love and forgiveness. All I know is that I cannot do this in my own power. This kind of love and forgiveness can only come from my Father.

I guess it is now time for me to learn to love him as Christ loves him. To forgive him as Christ has forgiven him. I’m not sure where to begin. I think I will start praying for him. That sounds like a great place to start!

A God thing

I have noticed over the past few weeks how many things I say without thinking. Such as, “dog ugly.” I usually say this whenever I see something that is, in my opinion, horrifically ugly. When Phebe came out of her regression she had some sort of amnesia. So she only remembers the last 3 weeks to the present. She’s learned a lot during that time. I often confuse her though with all my funny sayings. I had to explain what a dog was when we saw one near our home. So later when I said something was “dog ugly” she was totally baffled. Tonight she said, “Mom, whenever you say ‘sugar jets’ I know something bad has happened.” The other day my mom came for a visit and was talking to Asher, “Come here you little hunka munka.” Phebe asked what in the world is a hunka munka? We are going to have this poor girl so messed up.

I’ve been so nervous re-teaching her things of God and the Bible. I’m not really sure why this makes me nervous since I’ve been teaching this to her for the last 18 years. She takes everything so literally that at times I think I over explain things to her. One day when her migraine was really bad and I had no medications to give her, she came to me and said she had decided to go to heaven with Jesus and Uriah. I asked her how she planned on getting there, and she suddenly realized she didn’t know how. She asked how Uriah had done it.

She now has the mind of a 4 or 5 year old. She LOVES to help me with EVERYTHING!!! She has to stir, taste, lift, fold, carry, clean, and shift everything I do. Tonight in church she was mimicking everything I did. Her Bible had to be open to the same book…even though she can’t read. Her leg had to be crossed. Her hand had to be cupping her other hand. She told me that she had done everything just like me when she got ready for church. She did her hair, put on a skirt (which made her feel like “such a girl”), put on some make-up, and washed the counters down. She makes me smile.

I wasn’t smiling, however, when Jesse called this afternoon. I had gone to visit our old church and to go to an open house, and Jesse had stayed home. He went to church in the morning and was gone for about 2 hours. Phebe has been home alone for longer periods than that so we weren’t too nervous. We have had issues with her sleep walking lately. She has woken up in the middle of the night in the back yard, and the pitch dark basement. She will also do this during the day. Last week she walked out into the living room with her eye mask on. No matter how loud I yelled she couldn’t hear me. When I grabbed her hand she finally was startled awake. Thursday I looked out in the back yard and she was walking around with her eye mask on holding her stuffed bunny. I watched her to see how long this would last and to see what would eventually wake her up. Her arm bumped the post of the clothesline and she about jumped out of her skin. So today Jesse came in the house to discover she wasn’t there. The front door has 3 locks on it plus a thick rug that prevents you from opening the door. She got it open far enough to squeeze through. He looked and looked for her, and ended up calling the police. He checked with neighbors but no one had seen her. To make a long story short a neighbor had seen her a couple miles from the house and drove back to see if we were missing her. Man do I love them for that!

Jesse took me to the spot he had found her…nearly 3 miles from our house. I asked her tonight what had woken her up. She said someone had honked their horn at her. She woke up and looked down at the yellow painted line. She was walking down the middle of the road. I shake my head and wonder how many people drove past her and never bothered to check to see if she was ok. Yes, she is 18, but the girl was wearing pajamas, carrying a stuffed animal, wearing earplugs, and WALKING DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD…barefoot. When she had told me she was in the middle of the road I just stood there with my mouth open. Every night she asks me to pray that she won’t sleepwalk. I pray for that along with IF she does sleepwalk that God will protect her. She said, “Mom, He answered our prayer. I didn’t sleepwalk for 2 nights AND when I did He protected me. That’s a God thing, huh???” “Yes Phebe…that is definitely a God thing!”

I didn’t want to admit to her that I had been a little upset with God earlier that day. In fact, I’m puddling up now just thinking about it. In my heart I was screaming at God, “Why didn’t you keep her from sleepwalking? Why didn’t you just let her sleep through the night so she would have been awake while we were gone?” On our way to church this morning the radio announcer was reading the verse about God caring about the sparrows that fall, how much more does He care for us. As I sat in church today singing and praising Him, Phebe was walking blind down the middle of the road. It angered me. Not until Phebe pointed out that it was a “God thing” did I realize how He had protected her. Shame on me for not having the faith of a child. Phebe’s 5 year old brain figured out His sovereignty while my 40 year old heart got it all confused.

Best/Worst part of your day???

My kids and I have played a game for years. We started playing it when one of them could never find anything good about their day. They both feel like they’re too old to still be tucked in at night so I climb in bed with them and ask them what the best and worst thing about their day was. I in turn have to come up with answers too. “I don’t know” cannot be an answer. Tonight Phebe’s best thing was being able to watch Asher learn new things…like climb the steps into the kitchen. :o( The worst being her migraine. Abner’s best was playing basketball with his dad and the worst was not being allowed to play Playstation. The best part of my day was being able to go to church. The last time I was actually in a church service was 3 months ago. The worst part of my day was seeing the disappointment on Phebe’s face when we got to church. She has some type of amnesia and can only remember things from the middle of June to present. So we have been re-teaching her EVERYTHING! God and heaven really amaze her. She has been looking forward to going to church for quite a while now. I think she is excited because we are so excited about church. She was watching Pollyanna the other day and turned to me and said, “I don’t want to go to church anymore.” I laughed and told her that our church wasn’t like the church in the movie. So as we pulled into the parking lot tonight Phebe said, “This is the house of God, right?” We told her it was. She said, “I’m so excited. I can’t wait to see Him.” I asked her who she was talking about, thinking it may be one of the pastors. She said, “God.” I smiled and told her that God lives in heaven, but that we go to church to worship Him. She asked, “You mean He’s not going to be in there?” I didn’t really know how to answer her. I mean of course He’s going to be there, but we aren’t going to be able to see him. It’s very hard to explain something like that to someone who takes everything so literally. When I did explain that we wouldn’t be able to see Him I thought she was going to cry. Phebe gets a migraine every day starting around one in the afternoon. It doesn’t go away until sometime in the middle of the night. She started to get one today about the same time, but when it was time to go to church she said she didn’t have one. I knew she was lying and just really wanted to go to church. I figured we may as well go since she’s going to be in pain one way or the other. Then to see the disappointment on her face when she realized that God wasn’t even going to “show up” was a tough pill for me to swallow. I hated it for her.

I then wondered why it was so important for her to see God. Is it because we have made Him sound exciting or unreal? Is it a natural feeling for her to want to see Him? Then I thought I better figure out a way this week to let her see Him in us…in me! I want her to know Him. He’s so good. He’s so true. He’s so just. He’s full of grace. His mercy is everlasting. His love is unmerited. His forgiveness is unlimited. His salvation is everlasting. He’s the king of kings and lord of lords. He’s the sinner’s savior. He’s supreme. He supplies all our needs. These are things plus many more that are true about my God. It reminds me of the speech by S. M. Lockridge.

This last week has been difficult. I had a friend get ahold of me and remind me of God’s grace. I shared with her that there are times when I wonder when God will bless our family since we have had to endure so much. She said, “The fact that He has carried you through these times is blessing enough.” That is NOT what I wanted to hear, but it is what I needed to hear. She is 100% right. It doesn’t matter what we must endure on earth. We will be spending eternity in Glory with Him! Life is hard and can be discouraging, but God scoops us up and carries us to the finish line - or until we are ready to run the race again alongside Him.



Do YOU know Him?

Phebe's home!

Have you ever just wanted to be a kid again? I have. In fact, I really wanted it the other day. The hospital called to let me know I could come and pick Phebe up. I’m sure that most parents would be thrilled to pick their child up from the hospital, but I wasn’t. While I was walking down the corridors of U of M all I could do was imagine myself lying face down and slamming my fists and feet into the floor while screaming at the top of my lungs. I knew I wasn’t ready for the work ahead and I was very sure that Phebe wasn’t ready either. The problem was the hospital didn’t want to care for her any more.

The hospital had promised that they wouldn’t send her home until she was sleeping at least 6 hours a night, and they had her migraines and medications under control. None of those promises were kept. She was still only sleeping 2 hours tops, the migraines happened repeatedly throughout the day, and none of the medications seemed to be helping. They kept focusing on what a wonderful girl Phebe was and what a great attitude she had. No kidding people! I’m quite aware of how great my daughter is. What’s not so great are the problems she deals with. I felt like a little kid every time one of the staff talked to me. They made me feel incompetent and foolish. I knew I was neither of those things.

I stayed on my feet the whole time in the corridors and everywhere else. They sent us home with 6 new prescriptions and a pat on the back. They had done NOTHING to help my daughter. They set Phebe up in a program at our local hospital. She was to go daily from 9-3. She would do crafts, group activities, and therapy. I knew these 6 hours would be my saving grace. Caring for Phebe is a lot of work.
So on Phebe’s second day home we went to the hospital to enroll her in these classes. Within 2 minutes I knew they weren’t going to keep her. They said they were very sorry but they couldn’t help. She needed an intensive level of care that they couldn’t provide. The lady left the room and was gone for over 20 minutes. She came back and said she had consulted with the staff to figure out what to do for Phebe. They came up with NOTHING. She apologized, patted us on the back, and sent us on our way. U of M had failed us yet agian...they never bothered to explain to this hospital how much care Phebe would need. They just wanted to empty her bed.

Phebe is relearning everything. The other day I was praying for our food and she asked who God was. I explained God, prayer, heaven, Jesus, the plan of salvation, and sin. Her eyes puddled up and she couldn’t understand how Jesus could be treated so badly when He was perfect. The next day she asked me, “Mom, what phone do I use to talk to God?” Her innocence amazes me! When we were in the car yesterday she said the ceiling looked cool. I was confused but then realized she was talking about the sky. I have explained sky vs. ceiling, flower vs. flour, ant vs. aunt, along with pregnancy, boiling water, fingers, lightning bugs, bath, bubbles, dry, prayer, washer, dryer, dog, dog ugly, husband, sister, thoughts, pillow, hanger, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. The hardest part is keeping the noise in the house to a minimum. Abner is LOUD and Asher isn’t quiet. I also babysit. We have a lot of work to do to get this house quieter. I also have to sleep with her because she is so scared. It literally takes hours for her to fall asleep and there is no sleep for me until she does. She loves art and I have nothing for her to do. I need to get to the store and find something, but she goes frantic when I leave the room, let alone the house, and taking her with me isn’t an option. The sounds and lights of town are way too much for her.

It’s only been two full days since she returned home and I’m beat. How am I supposed to mother my other children, be a wife to my husband, get my housework done, have friendships, and supply all of Phebe’s needs????? I think it’s going to take me a looooooong time to answer those questions. Maybe when I do I’ll no longer want to be a kid again, but I doubt it. Being a kid a FABULOUS! :o)

Roller Coasters

Growing up I HATED roller coasters. My sister Flossie, who is two years younger than me, couldn’t get enough of them. Because we were so close in age I was her designated roller-coaster-riding-buddy. Let’s just say this did not thrill me.

My life the last three months has been quite a roller coaster ride. I have to admit that I have not enjoyed it any more than an actual roller coaster. I remember on the real roller coaster the one thing I dreaded the most was that slow crawl up that first hill. To me it was torture. To Flossie it was exhilarating. I remember watching her out of the corner of my eye as I gripped the handrail. She would be squealing with excitement. I would be stifling a scream of fear. Before my daughter’s first outward symptom started 3 months ago I recall thinking about how great my family’s life was. My marriage was fantastic, my kids were all doing great, our finances were looking good, we loved our new house and new church family, and to top it all off I was losing weight. :-) I didn’t realize I was crawling up that first hill of life's roller coaster. I told myself life was too good to stay like this, but I never would have guessed what was coming. Then the dreaded fall…down the stairway. I fell and broke my ankle on Sunday; the following Friday Phebe started to stutter. Nothing major, but I knew something wasn’t right. We had started her on a new medication 3 days earlier to help her sleep. The year before we had discovered that she had only been sleeping for 2-3 hours a night for many years. She had actually taken this medication then and it had worked wonders. My husband and I knew we had to help her get more rest or there would be problems. Boy, were we right! At first we thought that restarting this medication had caused her stuttering.

In 2 months’ time we went from stuttering to regressing all the way back to a 9-12 month old. During that time we had been to numerous doctors, emergency rooms, and specialists running every test imaginable. We were finally pointed to one hospital in Ann Arbor. After spending 33 hours at the University of Michigan’s emergency room we finally got her admitted. What a trying time that was. At about the 29th hour I finally had my fill and I told my husband, "They better find her a bed soon or they are going to have two people in need of a bed." I was at my whit’s end. I went and asked one of the staff what would happen if we just left her since she had turned 18 the week before. The social worker came out and begged me to give her 3o minutes. I wanted to say, "I've given you 29 hours lady… what are you going to do in 30 minutes?" Instead I smiled and said, "Of course." Twenty-nine minutes later she returned to the room. She came in and said, "It’s in the works. She’s getting a bed tonight. It’s going to take some time, but she will have a bed sometime tonight." Four hours later my husband and I were tucking her into her bed. When I left that night I was so torn. I knew I needed rest. I had only gotten 10 hours of broken sleep during the 7 days prior. However, I was leaving my little girl behind. She had the mind of a baby. She couldn’t walk, talk, chew, or realize any type of danger. She had fallen down stairs, out of bed, and off the couch. How could I leave her? I had been with her nearly every second for over a week, and now I was leaving her to strangers??? My arms ached for her just as much as they ached when I left the hospital without my baby boy Uriah.

She has been at the University of Michigan for three weeks now. A week and a half ago she came out of the regression. What an amazing day that was. My mom had come to stay the night with Phebe and me. Mom gave me a break so I could go get something to eat. What a novel idea. At one point I had been in Phebe’s room for 4 days straight with no relief. On the fourth day a nurse finally let me go get something to eat. With Mom there now, I went to the cafeteria and started to eat my sandwich. I had intended to stay there for at least a half hour, but something kept nudging me to return to the room. So ten minutes later I walked back into the room. Mom stepped out to make a phone call. Phebe was sleeping and started to have a nightmare. The nightmares are the whole reason Phebe refuses to sleep. She is terrified of the recollection of things that have happened to her in the past. She had not had one nightmare the entire time she had regressed. Earlier that day I had noticed a couple other things that made me wonder if she was “coming back”. I woke her from the nightmare and she sat up in bed and said, “MOM???” I said, “Phebe???” She looked around the room in total confusion. I hit the call light and grabbed one of the many family pictures I had plastered around her room. I asked her who one of the people was. She laughed and said, “Mom, that’s my brother…Abner.” I just hugged her and cried and cried.

The doctors keep telling me that they have never seen anything like this. They’ve seen regression, but not anyone who has gone back so far. Phebe came to the states to be my daughter when she was 9 months old. They believe that is when she felt the safest, and that’s why she went back that far in her mind.

She is improving in little ways each day. She no longer has to have someone sit with her 24 hours a day. In fact, that ended this afternoon. She has forgotten so much. Yesterday I took Abner to the hospital for the first time. When we left Phebe said, “Abner, it was nice to meet you.” When things like that happen it reminds me how long of a ride this roller coaster is going to be. I had such a rude awakening last night. I had been telling people that Phebe didn’t really remember me being her mom, but now that she knows I’m her mom she’s very happy about it. She was so excited a few days back to realize she gets to come home to live with me and my family. She is re-learning her letters as she is not able to read or write. She said she got up to the letter “H” yesterday. I explained what “H” says and that my name starts with “H”…Hannah. She frowned and said, “Hannah…I thought your name was mom?” It was then that I realized she didn’t know I was her mom…she just thought that was my name. :-(

I’ve asked myself many times what it is I’m supposed to be learning through all of this. Sometimes I’ve even wondered if someone else is supposed to be learning something. If that is the case I do wish they would hurry it up. :-) Maybe it’s not something to be learned, but instead it’s to bring honor and glory to the Lord. I hope and pray that as I’ve ridden this ride I’ve let Jesus shine in my life. I had a lady come to me in church Sunday thanking me for showing her God’s grace in difficult times. Wow, what an encouragement. I sure haven’t felt very gracious at times. I don’t know the reason for all of this and more than likely never will, but that’s OK. There is light at the exit door that says, “God is in control”. Plus I know I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

As a kid at the end of the real roller coaster ride I was always so proud of myself for not getting sick and actually making it out the gate. I’m pretty sure I’ll be feeling the same way when this ride is over. On our ride home last night Abner asked if we would still be taking a vacation this summer. I told him I sure hope so. I told him we would also like to go to Lake Michigan, and let’s not forget Michigan’s Adventure. Although I think I’ll leave the roller coasters for someone else!

Philippians 4:4-13

4Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.
5Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.
6Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
9Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.
10But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity.
11Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
12I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
13I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Simple Woman's Daybook 5-23-11

Outside my window…is the dark of night and the chirp of crickets.

I am thinking…how amazingly fast the last 18 years have gone.

I am thankful...that the Lord allowed me to adopt such a wonderful daughter.

From the kitchen...was pork chops, mashed potatoes, green beans, and crescent rolls.

I am wearing...His peace.

I am remembering...how small and helpless Phebe looked the first time I laid eyes on her.

I am going...to celebrate my daughter turning 18.

I am reading…Please Stop Laughing at Me... by Jodee Blanco, and hopefully doing a book review soon.

I am praying…for healing.

On my mind…is the feeling of dread as I realize I must teach my sweet daughter how to read and write again. I already taught her 12 years ago, but we must plunge forward and do it again.

I am hearing...the swirl of the fan, my hubby taking a shower, and my bed calling my name.

Around the house...are gifts hidden away for Phebe. :o)

Noticing that….I need to get things done now. I am recalling things I said I was going to do when I adopted Phebe, and here we are 18 years later. Wow!

Pondering these words…Ma…ma…ma….mom wh….wh…wh…wha…wha…what’s th…th…th…this…l…l…le…le…le…let…letter?

One of my favorite things...is hearing Phebe laugh.

A picture thought…my baby girl.

God's love amazes me!

Romans 8:38&39
38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have been struggling lately with understanding God’s love. I always want to compare how I love MY children to how He loves His children. There really is no comparison.

I’ve been enjoying watching my 6 month old learn new things. He’s learned to fake cough, roll from tummy to back, jibber-jabber to get our attention, and cry his head off to get his way. Asher rolled over for the first time tonight from his back to his stomach. It was quite a shock to me. I had left him on my bed to go get some Desitin for his little red bottom. We have been trying to get him to roll from back to tummy for quite some time, but he has not been interested at all. As I started to walk back into the room, with the Desitin, I saw he was on his stomach. I was so excited I gasped. He heard me and tried to roll to see me. This caused him to roll off of the bed. I ran and caught him mid-air. My heart was going pretty fast at this point and I was feeling like a pretty worthless parent.

Asher feeling all proud of himself for getting someone else to love him to pieces...his Grandma Olson.

I began to think about my heavenly Father. Does He smile as we learn new things? When Asher had tried in the past to roll I was always tempted to help him out just a little bit. Does God want to give us a bit of a nudge when we struggle along the way?

Do the things we say and do cause Him to chuckle? I believe God has a sense of humor. Tonight in family devotions we asked the kids for examples of His sense of humor. Of course tooting was mentioned.

When Asher coos and jabbers at me as if to tell me a story it just thrills my heart. I want him to never stop. Is this How God feels when I pray to Him?

Asher sharing stories with Aunt Mercy.

When Asher does something amazing like … blink … it causes his siblings to cheer him on to do it again. I wonder if this is how God feels when we share with others His amazing gifts of love, grace, and salvation.

Asher amazing his Uncle Stephen with his grabbing abilities.

My 17 year old daughter has to learn to talk and read again. Today as she learned that C-A-T spelled cat her eyes widened and she smiled. My heart leapt for joy. Is this how the Lord feels when we learn a new truth from His Word?

My 11 year old son bought me a very unique Mother’s Day gift. He and his dad went to a rock show at our local fair grounds. He knows how much I love the color yellow and he found a sparkly rock with a hand-crafted yellow rose in the center. It totally made my day. I smile every time I see it. Is this how God feels when we give above and beyond at our local church?

I can’t compare my love with His. I wish I could better understand how He loves me so. How He enjoys hearing me talk to Him. I love Him with all of my heart and I’m so thankful that NOTHING can separate me from His everlasting, unconditional, amazing, and perfect love. My hope is that others will see His love in my life and desire to have that same love.